Worn - Tenth Avenue North

I'm tired  
I'm worn  
My heart is heavy 
From the work it takes to keep on breathing 

I've made mistakes  
I've let my hope fail 
My soul feels crushed 
By the weight of this world 
And I know that you can give me rest 
So I cry out with all that I have left 

Let me see redemption win 
Let me know the struggle ends 
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn 

I want to know a song can rise 
From the ashes of a broken life 
And all that's dead inside can be reborn 
Cause I'm worn 

I know I need  
To lift my eyes up 
But I'm too week 
Life just won't let up 
And I know that You can give me rest 
So I cry out with all that I have left 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/t/tenth+avenue+north/worn_21020180.html ] 
Let me see redemption win 
Let me know the struggle ends 
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn 

I want to know a song can rise 
From the ashes of a broken life 
And all that's dead inside can be reborn 
Cause I'm worn 

And my prayers are wearing thin 
I'm worn even before the day begins 
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight 
I'm worn so heaven so come and flood my eyes 

Let me see redemption win 
Let me know the struggle ends 
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn 

I want to know a song can rise 
From the ashes of a broken life 
And all that's dead inside can be reborn 
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn 
Though I'm worn  
Yeah I'm worn

He said: "Listen, King Jehoshaphat and all who live in Judah and Jerusalem! This is what the LORD says to you: 'Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army. For the battle is not yours, but God's ... You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you."

2 Chronicles 20:15,17

lol...

On Hope

After a lot of disappointments in the last few years I have been comparing my sources of hope to those of my spiritual heroes. There are a lot of overlays with faith but I'm trying to mostly stick to hope. Bear with me… these are the questions that I am pondering and I would love to hear feedback/thoughts. Again, these are not definitive answers, just thoughts.

• What is hope?

• Where should it come from?

• What is the hope of the modern day Christian?
• What hopes do I harbor as a modern day Cuban-American Christian?

• Do they line up with what the bible says?

Hope - "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or to desire with expectation of obtainment and in Christianity it usually applies to God's promises.

Hope is so pivotal to my well being in life. Without it my motivation dies and my heart starts asking "why try?" It's like playing in a fourth quarter of a basketball game and being 20 points down with a minute to go. This is usually called "garbage time" and the contributions made have very little meaning. Everything changes if there is a chance, a hope that the situation will turn around. In these cases no matter the odds, or difficulty, the heart rages to new heights and one incredible things are done.

Ever seen Jason Lezak's comeback in the 2008 4x100 relay? Down a body length at the start of his leg, Phelp's dream of 8 gold medals on the line, against one of the best sprinters in the world … Start at the 3 minute mark if you want to see the short version.

 

Hope's function is to breathe life into the heart when it wants to quit. It is the element that makes you risk it all and believe that it something can happen.

So where did awesome giants of the faith get their hope? Looking at the lives of spiritual giants like Joseph, Abraham, and David I see a few things that were true in all of their lives. There was a promise directly from God to the individual, Joseph had a dream, Abraham a promised son and an enormous family, and David a Kingdom. There was a season of testing/trials/suffering which varied in length and type. They mostly held true/faithful to God during the test and ultimately God accomplished his promise. I'll refer to the full cycle as a "God adventure. "

So does this still happen? What is the hope of the modern day Christian? I think most people would say heaven, and I don't disagree but is there a hope for here and now? Does God really have a plan for my life here on earth? It is not that the endless adventures and discoveries that await us in Heaven aren't enough (For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18). I just believe that there is a purpose for our lives here on earth.

It takes a lot to believe that God still takes us on hope/faith adventures like those in the present time. In my life I can only think of a few of these that I can honestly say were from God and went through the whole cycle. They have been both the most trying and most rewarding times. There are a lot that are being tested right now, and I'm in the dark part of the cycle were it seems that God will not come through.

If you're in the fire, keep believing, keep hoping … there's no way that our situation is a longer shot than Sarah/Abraham having their son Isaac at 90ish. If you're searching for a hope … keep asking and take it as a challenge. God wants to be more intimate with you.

On a philosophical roll, just in case you thought this blog was dead

There is, and rightfully so, a lot of focus on Christian martyrs and others that have suffered for the kingdom. I believe these people deserve great rewards in heaven and that they're on the forefront of the faith. However, as "one of the others", it is easy to get discouraged. I don't ever feel like i'm doing enough for the kingdom unless I've thrown it all away and pursue only the kingdom. At the same time, I know I have obeyed God's will these last few years and I know I am where he placed me. I'm working for a defense contractor and having from what I see, very little direct kingdom impact and doing a whole lot of suffering. How do I reconcile these two worlds?

Is it possible that in suffering at LM, even though it isn't for a direct "Kingdom" cause, I am suffering for God? Or is this merely an excuse for not completely selling out my life for God?

Just some thoughts

The Temptation of the Callus

Ever played sports? You probably know what happens to skin when it meets with more friction than it likes. The callus.

I was thinking about these the other day and how similarly our heart behaves. Pretty much anytime I've been disappointed by someone or something my heart is tempted to retract. A broken dream here, a disappointing relationship there and one could be a walking dead person by the ripe age of 25. There's some safety and comfort in a calloused heart I suppose... but there's no thrill or adventure. There's no life...

It's truly a challenge to be really and fully alive. It takes courage to be vulnerable.

The temptation of a self imposed death calls strongly. Don't give in ...

God

I saw a dear friend get baptized today. I cried … for a couple reasons … he is awesome and I’m incredibly proud of him and because he has found a true deep love that will help him be all that he is meant to be!

Some days I feel like I know a lot about God … but I know that I don’t. He is infinite and I will forever be learning more about him =D… but one thing I know …

He is a passionate lover and pursuer of everything that we are.

The LORD appeared to him from afar, saying, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness.

Jeremiah 31:3

All I can really say is thank you. For not getting angry with me … and not running me off … for loving me relentlessly and never giving up on me. I love you too Jesus =D.

i’m pretty sure i post about fall every year…

I love this weather. Something about the cold air cutting through me as I walk around makes me feel alive. God has been doing a lot in me … which is different than in my life … haha. I feel like he has been working on my heart a lot. Molding my desires … disciplining my heart and its impulsive tendencies … filing me with joy and peace …

Lots of growing left to do but I’m loving every minute of this.

standing in awe

I've had a feeling that this fall would be special for some time now. I can't honestly put into words all that is going on internally and externally. I'm going to try to talk about some of it because I want to be able to look back and see how God moved.

Today I'll talk about Resonate.

Yo Han and I started a fellowship group with some of our old residents (we called it resonate, I will explain the name in a future post). I mentioned in a previous post that the point of it was to chase God together, to love each other, to love others and to teach others how to do the same. We've met three times now and it has been unbelievable. The first week we all stated that we felt the same thing was missing from our Christian experience at tech. Real fellowship. The kind of fellowship where anyone can come in and drop all barriers. A community where we can and are free to express what we struggle with and what we truly desire. A community where each man sharpens another and trusts the other members completely. That being said, we had no idea how to go about the details of creating something like that.

The approach was play ball and figure out the details as we go. That doesn't always work but God has been so merciful. We humbled ourselves and confessed our struggles. We dropped all masks and have come to a place where we know who everyone really is. Since then things have just caught on fire. Each man is chasing God individually and being reminded of all the reasons we love God in the first place. The most exciting time for me is when we come back together, whether it be in the fellowship group or just hanging out. That is the time when we tell each other about all the adventures God is taking us on. Somehow, God has translated loving and chasing him into loving each other. I wish I could show the smile that these guys put on my face.

God has done all this in just three weeks. We don't know where else God is taking this but we know it is real and are stoked about what it is doing in our daily lives.

In future posts I want to talk about some of the other things I'm stoked about... like living with the Brain Trust.

6 days left in Miami

I went to the beach last night. I did read some and the awesome weather. I can’t go in the water yet due to the surgery but maybe I’ll go in sometime this week. I’ll definitely go again before I leave for Atlanta. I got a tripod on sale for 6 dollars :). Hopefully it helps me take some sweet night-beach shots.

I really miss my mom and my sister. It is weird … this feels like my last real summer at home. Graduating in December means I don’t know when I’ll spend some real time with my entire family together again. I’ll definitely miss it but I’m really glad my sister is going up to Tech :).

I’m excited again… about this fall and about what is to come. So many things in my life right now are a mystery… and it is really exciting. It will be an adventure figuring my future out or watching as God pieces it together. These uncertain times are always among the most interesting … I’ve also got some good plans for when I get back. I’m going with midtown church on their college retreat Aug 2-4. A few of us are heading out to do some kayaking before school starts. I’m pumped up.

I’ve been adventuring a lot these last few days. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands and I hope I can continue that in Atlanta.

learning… just a little

I think I’m starting to come to grips with why God let me go through some things in my past. I’ve failed a lot in my life… and I usually accept it and move on but there is one particular failure that has always bugged me. I failed big time when it came to becoming a doctor. I gave it my all. I worked and did everything I could to overcome what was in front of me but I was just not enough. For a long time I wondered why God didn’t help me more. He has helped me get through other things so why not that? I stopped bugging him about it and I feel like I finally understand a part of the story.

Looking back at my past … I can see one of my biggest character flaws has been pride. If you’ve been friends with me for any time at all I’m sure you’ve seen its ugly head come up. I’m not talking about a healthy self-confidence type of pride. That is all well and good and necessary. This is the type of pride that tries to make everything about me. The kind of pride seen very often in snotty little brats. I guess that means I was and sometimes still am at times a brat. The only real cure for it … is to run into the ground. God is working on it and I’m doing my best to not have to learn the hard way.

With that pride in the way it is almost impossible to truly love others. It is so easy to be apathetic to the suffering of others, so easy to take offense at small things, so easy to hold grudges, so easy to expect more than what is right … the list just goes on.

I’m definitely not a point where I’ve conquered the issue but my failures have more than made me aware of it. My heart is changing, little by little.

Faith working out

January 2009 – May 2009

I was extremely discouraged during January. I was wondering whether I had done the right thing by choosing to not study medicine. I had no idea what God wanted with my life. I’m the type of person that really needs a purpose in order to function. If I feel like what I’m doing has no point then I find it hard to do my work. It bothered me a lot that God hadn’t given me a direction for my life. I felt like I was going to go into accounting and have a regular mundane life.

I joined the Frisby Discipleship group and I was pretty excited about it. God starting working in me but I was still bitter. The first changes started to happen when Mr. Frisby gave us a sheet that details what happened to us when we became Christians. All my life I’ve judged myself very harshly. I’ve always felt guilty about the sins I’ve committed in my past. The funny thing is God has never judged me so harshly… He has always reached out to me with love. These self perceptions always hindered my relationship with God. After reading and praying over the sheet I began to let go of some of the guilt I had. It freed me so much. My relationship with God skyrocketed and I haven’t been the same.

The first thing I did was go to God with the worries I had.

• I was worried about my relationship with God; it hadn’t felt very alive for over a year
• I couldn’t overcome certain things I had been struggling with for a long time
• I was worried about finding a house to live in for the fall
• I was worried about what career path I should be on
• I was worried about never becoming anything epic
• I was worried about coming home this summer and having no job
• I was worried about whether I had chickened out of becoming a Doctor by going into Management
• I was worried about leaving Tech without making an impact
• When I left medicine I kind of lost a big part of my identity. For a long time I based who I was on my accomplishments…
  
  (Italics indicate I feel God has dealt with the worry)
  

I left those things alone and just put my faith in God. I focused on my relationship with him and things just started happening.

I can say that now… a lot of those worries have been fixed… and the others I still trust him with.

I overcame the things I had struggled with. For me… if the God I believe in doesn’t have the power to confront me… and change me then he is no God at all. I’ve never wanted to believe in a God I create… or one that I control. I’ve had many confrontations with God =P, he definitely doesn’t see things my way a lot of the time. The great thing is… he is there and provides the love and power necessary to change me. I don’t mean to go all Star Wars but there is a dark side to me. That is what brought me to Christianity in the first place. I ran into that dark side and realize I couldn’t overcome it on my own. I could hold it in check … but never eradicate it. I could treat the symptoms but never the disease. Well… Jesus came in and cut the root.

I guess now I’m much more confident in who I am. I have a sense of identity… It’s solid but at the same time not something I can put into words. I had always asked God for this… but I didn’t always expect to like it. I can say I honestly like what he is doing with me. This goes along with being epic… I haven’t done anything outstanding but I’m living life differently and I feel like I’m on a path that will eventually lead to somewhere epic. I’ve had so many adventures in the last 8 months.

I prayed during the spring for a summer job and for a house to rent. I prayed but I honestly wasn’t worried. I was really happy with the house we found and I can’t wait to live there this fall and when I got home… I received two calls. A school wanted me to set up a computer lab for them and a company wanted me to make their website. God found me a job and one that I liked… He exceeded my worries and hopes. I learned a lot and now I have a business of sorts that I hope to continue with into the fall.

When I left biology I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t passionate about it at all. I was passionate and am about medicine. The root of that is that I can help people with it. I can’t honestly say I fully understand why God let me go into bio. I don’t think it was for me but I trust he had his purpose with it. He has at least granted me peace about leaving it.

I’m not content with the impact I’ve made at Tech… I feel like I’ve been a part of some people’s lives but I want more. I hope I get to do more for that this fall.

In conclusion… I’m so excited about the life God has me living right now. My relationship with him is soaring and I can’t wait what his love will bring for me in the future.

love

What a powerful thing. I’ve been blessed to have been surrounded by it in my life. My parents, my grandparents, my sister, my friends, and most of all my God. I cannot honestly say I’ve been a good steward of all this love. Over the years I’ve become aware of it and the reaction I’m having to it is wanting to love back. The love of God has pursued me in all the stages my heart gone through. Most surprisingly, his love has pursued me in my darkest moments. A lot of people think the God Christians believe in is judgmental but it just isn’t so. I believe it is us Christians who are to blame for those sentiments.

God has loved me with an unbelievable type of love. The type of love that always takes me back. A love that never dwindles, it never forces itself on me and never gives up on me.

With the mistakes I’ve made… anyone, no matter how much they loved me… could have given up on me. God never has. He is so faithful and so kind. So willing to take a hit just so that I can be with him. I want to share that love with others. I’m learning a lot from those around me about how to love others. I’m learning from friends and God. It is taking a lot out of me but it is worth it. I help people live and that is what is important.

I know this is quoted and posted everywhere but nonetheless.

1 Corinthians 13

⁴Love ^(K)is patient, love is kind and ^(L)is not jealous; love does not brag and is not ^(M)arrogant,

⁵does not act unbecomingly; it ^(N)does not seek its own, is not provoked, ^(O)does not take into account a wrong suffered,

^6(P)does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but ^(Q)rejoices with the truth;

^7(R)bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸Love never fails; but if there are gifts of ^(S)prophecy, they will be done away; if there are ^(T)tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

⁹For we ^(U)know in part and we prophesy in part;

¹⁰but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

¹¹When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

¹²For now we ^(V)see in a mirror dimly, but then ^(W)face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also ^(X)have been fully known.

¹³But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is ^(Y)love.

why so downcast o my soul

1 As the deer pants for streams of water,
       so my soul pants for you, O God.

² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
       When can I go and meet with God?

³ My tears have been my food
       day and night,
       while men say to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"

⁴ These things I remember
       as I pour out my soul:
       how I used to go with the multitude,
       leading the procession to the house of God,
       with shouts of joy and thanksgiving
       among the festive throng.

⁵ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and ⁶ my God.
       My ^[c] soul is downcast within me;
       therefore I will remember you
       from the land of the Jordan,
       the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

⁷ Deep calls to deep
       in the roar of your waterfalls;
       all your waves and breakers
       have swept over me.

⁸ By day the LORD directs his love,
       at night his song is with me—
       a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
       "Why have you forgotten me?
       Why must I go about mourning,
       oppressed by the enemy?"

¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
       as my foes taunt me,
       saying to me all day long,
       "Where is your God?"

¹¹ Why are you downcast, O my soul?
       Why so disturbed within me?
       Put your hope in God,
       for I will yet praise him,
       my Savior and my God.

Psalm 42

Sometimes your calling, comes in dreams
Sometimes in comes in the Spirit's breeze,
You reach for the deepest hope in me,
And call out for the things of eternity.
But I'm a man, of dust and stains,
You move in me, so I can say,

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of your plan,
Here I am
When setbacks and failures, and upset plans,
Test my faith and leave me with empty hands,
Are you not the closest when it's hardest to stand?
I know that you will finish what you began.
These broken parts you redeem,
Become the song, that I can sing

Here I am, Lord send me,
All of my life, I make an offering,
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is a part of your plan,
Here I am
Overwhelmed by the thought of my weakness,
And the fear that I'll fail you in the end,
In this mess, I'm just one of the pieces,
I can't put this together but you can.
Here I am, Lord send me,
I wanna live my life as an offering
Here I am, Lord send me,
Somehow my story, Is part of your plan,
Here I am
Here I am, all my life an offering to you, to you
Somehow my story, Is a part of your plan,
Here I am

 

“here i am”

~downhere *thanks Gui*

Changes in me

I’ve changed so much lately. It used to freak me out that I have no idea what I’m doing for a living. All through high school I believed that I needed to have my future figured out… I’ve always been driven and that has tied me to feeling like i have to know. Well… I don’t know and I don’t care. haha. I’m so excited about life now. I want to go and figure out what I want to do. It isn’t scary that I don’t know. It’s exciting. I'm young, I have a ton of opportunities, and soon a GT degree. God has brought me this far and he will carry me the rest of the way.

Letting go of the having to know has changed my life. I’m living by faith. Discovering who I am and getting to know God. The more he shows me the more I love him.

tougher days

The last few months have been great. With the exception of a few rough spots... I've had an absolutely awesome time. The inner pessimist in me has always wondered how long it would last. Doubts about this roll I've been on have been creeping in the last few days. I've been at home and without work to do at the school. I don't believe them though.

You know when you have too much time to think and then your mind becomes your own worst enemy?

Like I said before... I won't be shaken. I trust God and the plans he has for my life. He has been so good to me. The constant in my life, as always, is my relationship with Christ. He has been so strong for me. He is my source, my motivation, my strength, my hope...

I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I see a lot of people around me that have a set plan. They know exactly what they want and they're going for it. I'm really happy for them. I hope God blesses their endeavors. I'm definitely not like that. Sometimes that worries me. I would describe my personality as driven... that is hard when I don't know what to strive for. This definitely worried me a lot in the past. I've dedicated my efforts into getting to know my Lord. My impact in this life will ultimately be because and through him... so I'm honestly not worried.

I've been listening to a few new albums lately. The new Jars of Clay album of course. It hasn't grown on me yet. It takes me a long time to get into their albums. There are select songs that definitely touch my heart but overall... it hasn't gotten to me yet.

I like the following songs ... Boys (Lesson one), Hero, Scenic Route

Haha, right after I wrote that... I heard Hero again and the lyrics are exactly how I feel right now.

We’re in shock from the failed emotion
No cause in a shadow land
We sing while the city's burning
No room, no escape, no plan
We all never thought it would end this way

And we need a hero
To save us from ourselves
We need a hero
To save us from ourselves

Save us from ourselves
Save us from our fear
When the sirens wail, we need a hero here

We hide on our knees in silence
Maybe God doesn't hear at all
And the wait overtakes the violence
And we watch as the giants fall
We're not gonna let it end this way

~Hero
Jars of Clay

I'm currently in love with a new band. Chasen. This is from one of their songs. I really like their sound.

Take a storm and watch sing
Take the thunder create a scene
Take a light and throw it across the sky
For the whole world to see
Take the ocean take the tide
Sweep it in here on beaches white
Wipe my eyes and let me see
The beauty of Your sunrise
There is nothing like You
There is nothing underneath the son
Without You, You are all and all is good
There is nothing like You

Take a branch and watch it break
Take the snow and watch it fall
As the green begins to grow
Lord Your growing my soul

~Chasen

It's been almost 4 months now since Christina and I broke up. I haven't really updated any about that. I've done this on purpose. I needed time before I could rationally talk about it. I think she and I both got to the point where we agreed that it was the right thing to do. I don't regret the relationship. That's funny... because I regret some of the short ones I had before that. She and I worked to make the relationship as God honoring as we knew how. We kept ourselves pure. It wasn't easy to let go but it was the right thing to do. I'm really glad there isn't any bitterness ... or anger ... or resentment ... It was a clean break and probably the best breakup I've had. These are kind of cheerful terms for a breakup but... that is how it is. I learned a lot from the relationship.

I guess that is all I have to say on that for now.

time

I was a little worried about not having enough to do when I got back to miami. Needless to say, i have had no time to write. These are my goals for the summer :). I’ll update about everything that is going on when I can.

 

God	Completed?
get closer to him, keep building capacity get others around me motivated about following him
Work
Get the medical transcription translation thing off the ground do a computer repair business on the side make a good amount of money for the fall work on my book :)
Health
Maintain my weight run at least 4 times a week find a gym and continue the workout	in progress in progress yes
Relationships
continue to get closer to my dad do a better job of loving my mom teach my sister everything that Mr. Frisby shared with the d group help my sister get closer to God keep the relationships with all my friends in Atlanta going
Miscellaneous
find somewhere to play frisbee once a week find a good church/community redo the interior of my car learn to cook	yes     in progress

Updates

I was a bit worried about coming down to Miami. My community in Atlanta was starting to thrive. I was growing a lot at midtown, my grades were great and things were just starting to stabilize. It felt a bit like coming to the desert. God showed me how silly I was before I even got here. I’m hanging out a lot with Aner and I have a lot of opportunities before me. I got a gym membership for 3 months for only $35. That was exciting, it was going to be $95. I have a lot more to say. I just don’t have time :). peace for now.

Day 8

I was listening to TD Jakes, thanks to my dad. I've been asking for an identity... feeling so much like Jacob and so little like Israel. So much like Saul and so little like Paul. Then I started thinking... he already has given me and identity. The identity of Jesus Christ. I am righteous, I am clean, I am strong, I am connected to God, I can claim the promises. I'm still asking because I want a more specific one. I want a direction within my identity. For now I will be content to serve him somehow. He also pointed out that Israel struggled with Jacob until the end of his life. I can't wait for this identity to die for my new one to live. Rather I have to make that identity more alive... more personal... stronger and more mature. The only way to bring out God's identity in my life is...

• beat the sin out of my life
• by destroying sin, i empower the identity of Christ. This has the benefit of his becoming more real and practical in my life. That is the importance of keeping him close... by pursuing this identity i find more and more about myself.
• when asked the question in my life... who am i? i can now say.. i am yours o Lord... nothing more and nothing less.
• teach me to be content with that.