learning… just a little

I think I’m starting to come to grips with why God let me go through some things in my past. I’ve failed a lot in my life… and I usually accept it and move on but there is one particular failure that has always bugged me. I failed big time when it came to becoming a doctor. I gave it my all. I worked and did everything I could to overcome what was in front of me but I was just not enough. For a long time I wondered why God didn’t help me more. He has helped me get through other things so why not that? I stopped bugging him about it and I feel like I finally understand a part of the story.

Looking back at my past … I can see one of my biggest character flaws has been pride. If you’ve been friends with me for any time at all I’m sure you’ve seen its ugly head come up. I’m not talking about a healthy self-confidence type of pride. That is all well and good and necessary. This is the type of pride that tries to make everything about me. The kind of pride seen very often in snotty little brats. I guess that means I was and sometimes still am at times a brat. The only real cure for it … is to run into the ground. God is working on it and I’m doing my best to not have to learn the hard way.

With that pride in the way it is almost impossible to truly love others. It is so easy to be apathetic to the suffering of others, so easy to take offense at small things, so easy to hold grudges, so easy to expect more than what is right … the list just goes on.

I’m definitely not a point where I’ve conquered the issue but my failures have more than made me aware of it. My heart is changing, little by little.

Last couple days

I’ve been off the pain meds for a couple of days now. The pain is mostly gone! Hooray.

On another note. I got my camera! I’ve been snapping photos non-stop. Of course… there opportunities are limited in the house… so you know… the subject matter isn’t all that interesting. I can’t wait till I can leave and take some awesome ones. Chubby has been the star of most of the pictures =P. I’m really impressed with it so far. At first … i was a little intimidated by how small it is. The pictures are so crisp though. Great colors, great detail, not much grain and it picks up things in low light. I can’t complain. It takes hd movies… muwahahaha… the brain trust events will be recorded live, in hd.

I’ve had lots of good food while at home. Luckily I haven’t gained but like a pound or two. I can’t wait until I can run again. I really miss frisbee and running and basketball and hanging out with friends.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this fall. I can’t believe this is my last semester at Tech. It’s sad. I’m really going to miss the place and the people. I’m going to do my best to stay in Atlanta after I graduate. I don’t know where God will call me or where he will provide a job but I’m praying that it is there. I love the friends I’ve made and I would really like staying in the area. I’m also excited … There will probably be some big life changes happening in the fall. I’m excited to see what God has in store.

On a wild note… Jay Leno is going to appear on Top Gear. I can’t wait to watch it.

To do list

• work on book
• work on website
• translate some stuff
• find awesome things to take pictures of

that’s about it for now

Faith working out

January 2009 – May 2009

I was extremely discouraged during January. I was wondering whether I had done the right thing by choosing to not study medicine. I had no idea what God wanted with my life. I’m the type of person that really needs a purpose in order to function. If I feel like what I’m doing has no point then I find it hard to do my work. It bothered me a lot that God hadn’t given me a direction for my life. I felt like I was going to go into accounting and have a regular mundane life.

I joined the Frisby Discipleship group and I was pretty excited about it. God starting working in me but I was still bitter. The first changes started to happen when Mr. Frisby gave us a sheet that details what happened to us when we became Christians. All my life I’ve judged myself very harshly. I’ve always felt guilty about the sins I’ve committed in my past. The funny thing is God has never judged me so harshly… He has always reached out to me with love. These self perceptions always hindered my relationship with God. After reading and praying over the sheet I began to let go of some of the guilt I had. It freed me so much. My relationship with God skyrocketed and I haven’t been the same.

The first thing I did was go to God with the worries I had.

• I was worried about my relationship with God; it hadn’t felt very alive for over a year
• I couldn’t overcome certain things I had been struggling with for a long time
• I was worried about finding a house to live in for the fall
• I was worried about what career path I should be on
• I was worried about never becoming anything epic
• I was worried about coming home this summer and having no job
• I was worried about whether I had chickened out of becoming a Doctor by going into Management
• I was worried about leaving Tech without making an impact
• When I left medicine I kind of lost a big part of my identity. For a long time I based who I was on my accomplishments…
  
  (Italics indicate I feel God has dealt with the worry)
  

I left those things alone and just put my faith in God. I focused on my relationship with him and things just started happening.

I can say that now… a lot of those worries have been fixed… and the others I still trust him with.

I overcame the things I had struggled with. For me… if the God I believe in doesn’t have the power to confront me… and change me then he is no God at all. I’ve never wanted to believe in a God I create… or one that I control. I’ve had many confrontations with God =P, he definitely doesn’t see things my way a lot of the time. The great thing is… he is there and provides the love and power necessary to change me. I don’t mean to go all Star Wars but there is a dark side to me. That is what brought me to Christianity in the first place. I ran into that dark side and realize I couldn’t overcome it on my own. I could hold it in check … but never eradicate it. I could treat the symptoms but never the disease. Well… Jesus came in and cut the root.

I guess now I’m much more confident in who I am. I have a sense of identity… It’s solid but at the same time not something I can put into words. I had always asked God for this… but I didn’t always expect to like it. I can say I honestly like what he is doing with me. This goes along with being epic… I haven’t done anything outstanding but I’m living life differently and I feel like I’m on a path that will eventually lead to somewhere epic. I’ve had so many adventures in the last 8 months.

I prayed during the spring for a summer job and for a house to rent. I prayed but I honestly wasn’t worried. I was really happy with the house we found and I can’t wait to live there this fall and when I got home… I received two calls. A school wanted me to set up a computer lab for them and a company wanted me to make their website. God found me a job and one that I liked… He exceeded my worries and hopes. I learned a lot and now I have a business of sorts that I hope to continue with into the fall.

When I left biology I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t passionate about it at all. I was passionate and am about medicine. The root of that is that I can help people with it. I can’t honestly say I fully understand why God let me go into bio. I don’t think it was for me but I trust he had his purpose with it. He has at least granted me peace about leaving it.

I’m not content with the impact I’ve made at Tech… I feel like I’ve been a part of some people’s lives but I want more. I hope I get to do more for that this fall.

In conclusion… I’m so excited about the life God has me living right now. My relationship with him is soaring and I can’t wait what his love will bring for me in the future.

Surgery update

I’m doing pretty well. The scar is healing. However during the surgery they burned something else off and it is hurting like monkeys. Even though the cyst was larger last time I didn’t take any pain killers. This time… I’ve had to take quite a few. I get muscle spasms in the area and they cause momentarily blinding pain. It has caused some amusement with my family lol. I laugh about it later… but in the moment it really sucks. I’ve pretty much been stuck in the house since Friday night. I’ve gone outside maybe twice and I can’t really sweat in the area … or it causes pain and it increases the potential of the cyst coming back.

I’m pretty disappointed with the Doctor. He didn’t come to explain anything to me after the surgery. My parents said he talked to them for maybe 30 seconds and that he said the instructions for how to manage this would be on the sheets they gave us. I read the sheets and they’re not very helpful. I essentially had two surgeries and the procedures conflict with one another. They forgot to give me instructions on how to deal with the second procedure I had done. I called them today and asked them what to do. They kind of rudely told me to read the directions. I told them that I had and what was going on. They told me to get the medicine the instructions detailed and I kindly informed them that the instructions had said nothing about that particular medicine. She also told me to do another procedure to help the swelling. I kindly informed her that the nurse had said I couldn’t do that procedure since I had the other surgery. She was like… oh yeah. Ummm… and asked me if I had made an appointment for two weeks later. The problem with this is that the medicine they forgot to mention could have prevented a lot of the pain I’ve been in.

If I have the surgery again I’m definitely using another doctor. The pain should hopefully go away in the next couple of weeks.

On another note… I bought a camera! My mom and dad gave it to me as a really early birthday present. A friend suggested the 880is and while I really liked the features it brought (wide angle lens, Digic IV processor…) I chose the 780is. I read a number of reviews and all the websites agreed that the 780 had better picture quality. I have 2 batteries from my old camera and they will work with the 780 and not the 880. The 780 doesn’t have a wide angle lens and the zoom is a little less powerful but it does have the Digic IV processor. A lot of people were disappointed with the 880. The features were good but I think 780 is a better fit for me. The 780 is also cheaper =).

I think that is all for now.

love

What a powerful thing. I’ve been blessed to have been surrounded by it in my life. My parents, my grandparents, my sister, my friends, and most of all my God. I cannot honestly say I’ve been a good steward of all this love. Over the years I’ve become aware of it and the reaction I’m having to it is wanting to love back. The love of God has pursued me in all the stages my heart gone through. Most surprisingly, his love has pursued me in my darkest moments. A lot of people think the God Christians believe in is judgmental but it just isn’t so. I believe it is us Christians who are to blame for those sentiments.

God has loved me with an unbelievable type of love. The type of love that always takes me back. A love that never dwindles, it never forces itself on me and never gives up on me.

With the mistakes I’ve made… anyone, no matter how much they loved me… could have given up on me. God never has. He is so faithful and so kind. So willing to take a hit just so that I can be with him. I want to share that love with others. I’m learning a lot from those around me about how to love others. I’m learning from friends and God. It is taking a lot out of me but it is worth it. I help people live and that is what is important.

I know this is quoted and posted everywhere but nonetheless.

1 Corinthians 13

⁴Love ^(K)is patient, love is kind and ^(L)is not jealous; love does not brag and is not ^(M)arrogant,

⁵does not act unbecomingly; it ^(N)does not seek its own, is not provoked, ^(O)does not take into account a wrong suffered,

^6(P)does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but ^(Q)rejoices with the truth;

^7(R)bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

⁸Love never fails; but if there are gifts of ^(S)prophecy, they will be done away; if there are ^(T)tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.

⁹For we ^(U)know in part and we prophesy in part;

¹⁰but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.

¹¹When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.

¹²For now we ^(V)see in a mirror dimly, but then ^(W)face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also ^(X)have been fully known.

¹³But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the greatest of these is ^(Y)love.

3 days

So… the hospital called me. I’m having surgery on Friday morning. I should be back home the same day. It is a simple procedure but it takes a lot bed rest. I’ll be eating lots of salad to maintain my weight lol. hoorah.

I have a new client! I’ll start working on the website when he gets back to me.

Things are going pretty well besides that… i’m going to start working on my book now that i’m on bed rest.

peace world

Changes in me

I’ve changed so much lately. It used to freak me out that I have no idea what I’m doing for a living. All through high school I believed that I needed to have my future figured out… I’ve always been driven and that has tied me to feeling like i have to know. Well… I don’t know and I don’t care. haha. I’m so excited about life now. I want to go and figure out what I want to do. It isn’t scary that I don’t know. It’s exciting. I'm young, I have a ton of opportunities, and soon a GT degree. God has brought me this far and he will carry me the rest of the way.

Letting go of the having to know has changed my life. I’m living by faith. Discovering who I am and getting to know God. The more he shows me the more I love him.

tougher days

The last few months have been great. With the exception of a few rough spots... I've had an absolutely awesome time. The inner pessimist in me has always wondered how long it would last. Doubts about this roll I've been on have been creeping in the last few days. I've been at home and without work to do at the school. I don't believe them though.

You know when you have too much time to think and then your mind becomes your own worst enemy?

Like I said before... I won't be shaken. I trust God and the plans he has for my life. He has been so good to me. The constant in my life, as always, is my relationship with Christ. He has been so strong for me. He is my source, my motivation, my strength, my hope...

I still don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I see a lot of people around me that have a set plan. They know exactly what they want and they're going for it. I'm really happy for them. I hope God blesses their endeavors. I'm definitely not like that. Sometimes that worries me. I would describe my personality as driven... that is hard when I don't know what to strive for. This definitely worried me a lot in the past. I've dedicated my efforts into getting to know my Lord. My impact in this life will ultimately be because and through him... so I'm honestly not worried.

I've been listening to a few new albums lately. The new Jars of Clay album of course. It hasn't grown on me yet. It takes me a long time to get into their albums. There are select songs that definitely touch my heart but overall... it hasn't gotten to me yet.

I like the following songs ... Boys (Lesson one), Hero, Scenic Route

Haha, right after I wrote that... I heard Hero again and the lyrics are exactly how I feel right now.

We’re in shock from the failed emotion
No cause in a shadow land
We sing while the city's burning
No room, no escape, no plan
We all never thought it would end this way

And we need a hero
To save us from ourselves
We need a hero
To save us from ourselves

Save us from ourselves
Save us from our fear
When the sirens wail, we need a hero here

We hide on our knees in silence
Maybe God doesn't hear at all
And the wait overtakes the violence
And we watch as the giants fall
We're not gonna let it end this way

~Hero
Jars of Clay

I'm currently in love with a new band. Chasen. This is from one of their songs. I really like their sound.

Take a storm and watch sing
Take the thunder create a scene
Take a light and throw it across the sky
For the whole world to see
Take the ocean take the tide
Sweep it in here on beaches white
Wipe my eyes and let me see
The beauty of Your sunrise
There is nothing like You
There is nothing underneath the son
Without You, You are all and all is good
There is nothing like You

Take a branch and watch it break
Take the snow and watch it fall
As the green begins to grow
Lord Your growing my soul

~Chasen

It's been almost 4 months now since Christina and I broke up. I haven't really updated any about that. I've done this on purpose. I needed time before I could rationally talk about it. I think she and I both got to the point where we agreed that it was the right thing to do. I don't regret the relationship. That's funny... because I regret some of the short ones I had before that. She and I worked to make the relationship as God honoring as we knew how. We kept ourselves pure. It wasn't easy to let go but it was the right thing to do. I'm really glad there isn't any bitterness ... or anger ... or resentment ... It was a clean break and probably the best breakup I've had. These are kind of cheerful terms for a breakup but... that is how it is. I learned a lot from the relationship.

I guess that is all I have to say on that for now.

time

I was a little worried about not having enough to do when I got back to miami. Needless to say, i have had no time to write. These are my goals for the summer :). I’ll update about everything that is going on when I can.

 

God	Completed?
get closer to him, keep building capacity get others around me motivated about following him
Work
Get the medical transcription translation thing off the ground do a computer repair business on the side make a good amount of money for the fall work on my book :)
Health
Maintain my weight run at least 4 times a week find a gym and continue the workout	in progress in progress yes
Relationships
continue to get closer to my dad do a better job of loving my mom teach my sister everything that Mr. Frisby shared with the d group help my sister get closer to God keep the relationships with all my friends in Atlanta going
Miscellaneous
find somewhere to play frisbee once a week find a good church/community redo the interior of my car learn to cook	yes     in progress

Updates

I was a bit worried about coming down to Miami. My community in Atlanta was starting to thrive. I was growing a lot at midtown, my grades were great and things were just starting to stabilize. It felt a bit like coming to the desert. God showed me how silly I was before I even got here. I’m hanging out a lot with Aner and I have a lot of opportunities before me. I got a gym membership for 3 months for only $35. That was exciting, it was going to be $95. I have a lot more to say. I just don’t have time :). peace for now.

About me #2

This is an extension of the about me post (which I’ve yet to finish). I guess these are the results of the events in my life and my personality.

Who I am

My deepest longing is to be a man after God’s own heart.

I’m passionate/excitable. If I put my heart behind something then things usually go well. I can focus my mind and effort into it and overcome just about anything. If my heart isn’t in it… I suck. I’m not a lukewarm worker. I don’t do stuff just cause…

I’m a dreamer. I like big plans, I like crazy, I like living and doing things in an epic fashion. So I’m usually at the extreme of … epically doing nothing/time wasting and doing something outrageously awesome. Balancing is really hard for me.

I hate boundaries. I hate them between people and I hate them with life. I need freedom. If rules make sense to me then I will follow them as strictly as anyone else but if they don’t I tend to rebel. Legalism kills me. This is one of the reasons I love ultimate Frisbee. There are few rules… and the ones that exist rely upon people’s honor to live up to them.

My self esteem has been all over the place during my life. It tends to be on the lower end of things. I’ve mostly been a loner and it takes a lot of effort on my part to make friends, join groups. That being said, my self esteem doesn’t stem from other people (except for a select few). I have set standards for myself that I try to live up to. Sometimes I probably come off as cocky but that is usually just my insecurities coming out.  The only cure for this is when I think of God’s love and forgiveness. He has been so gracious to me. He knows the things I’ve done and still works through me. I don’t get it…

I trust quickly … I’m gullible from time to time. I love giving people a chance. I’m also patient when it comes to people letting me down. I do have a breaking point however… and once the person goes past… I can forgive but I usually don’t trust them again. This works the other way as well. Once you earn my loyalty… I defend with all I can.

I trust my intuition. I get feelings about stuff and I usually go with it. Sometimes this makes my decisions seem abrupt/ not well thought out.

I love people. Especially the ones that live like life means something.

About me

This is my life story (thus far), condensed.

I don’t really know how to write this post. I want to write it for personal record and to make the patterns in my life easier to see. My life has been at the very least, interesting. I am very grateful to God for that. I’ve lived in several places and met a wide variety of people. The changes have been hard to deal with but they’ve made me who I am. The circumstances have tested my dedication to the people I care about and the values that I hold. Even though I know the changes are good for me, I’ve never accepted them without complaint. God has been so patient with me. Every time he presents a new situation I start worrying and whining. I always question the move and months later I come to accept it. I’ve improved a little each time but the fact that he has had to repeat the lesson so many times says a lot about how stubborn I am. I imagine it is what forging a sword must be like. Having to heat the metal, hammer it to shape it and make it slim, bend it and start the process again.

The changes and circumstances I’m talking about have a lot to do with all the times I’ve moved in my life. I started out in Cuba. My life was not exactly stable there. My parents, grandparents and I lived in a house for about 3 years until the government took it and gave it to one of its employees and gave us two apartments as a replacement. I lived there for about 5 years. My dad worked as a meteorologist on a commercial fishing boat and also as a college ministry leader at one of the universities (He was not allowed to work on TV. The government offered him the opportunity to work on TV but he had to sign a contract denouncing his faith in Christ). He was usually gone for a couple of months at a time. This had an up/downside. He could bring us stuff from South American countries that were not available in Cuba but he was away from us for much of the time. Needless to say, my mom and grandparents raised me during this part of my life. In 93 my dad left Cuba for good. It wasn’t until two years later that I saw him again.

--Side notes: My mom went to the Cuban embassy on a nearly daily basis asking for permission for our family to leave the country, she was told by the government that we would never see my father again. My dad was working at $2-4 an hour for around two years. He saved $17,000 dollars to pay for our exit. Months before we had gotten permission to leave Cuba, my mom’s friend told my mom that we would leave on August 13. She had no way of knowing but she and my mom had been praying for years. I can’t attribute it to anything but God. Days after her friend had told her, my mom got permission from the government and we left on August 13, 1995.

Moving to a new country was definitely challenging. My dad had developed some English while living in the country but he was pretty busy. By this time he had started working at a company and we were renting a house. My mom, sister and I spoke no English. Learning the language was not too hard. Learning the culture and being successful in school was a different study. Ironically, we were in a part of Miami that did not have many Hispanics. This forced me to adapt very quickly. I faced some slight racism and I was definitely an outcast. Two years later, I had developed a stable group of friends and most of the people started accepting me. I was doing well in school and things were becoming stable. I was only like 10 so I hadn’t thought about God in a serious manner. I believed in him but faith had not yet become a personal relationship. An interesting thing happened during these years. We met a lady, who is now one of our close friends, she prophesied that my dad would take the place of John Morales (Channel 23 Weatherman, Univision network). We ignored what she said, in fact we thought she was kind of crazy. My dad got a call from a friend at The Weather Channel and traveled to Atlanta for an interview. This would change everything, again.

My dad got the job and a few months later (midway through 6th grade) our family moved to Georgia. This was pretty crushing for me. I had a good group of friends and I had learned to be successful in the Miami culture. Marietta was very different. I did well in school but I didn’t fit in with the people very well. It took until about 8th grade for me to start making good friends again. I got into a good high school program and the years between 8th-10th grade were probably among the easiest in my life. Things went pretty well. We moved out of the apartment we were renting and my Dad purchased his first house. I really love that house :), it’s small and quaint and I have great memories there.

During this time we started going to “Church of the Apostles.” I believed in God during my childhood and early teens but my faith had never become personal. I had seen God working in our family and circumstances but I didn’t have a personal relationship. I didn’t even realize that was missing until I saw the pastor here. Something about him was different. I started wondering what it was. I was pretty much a loner at the church. Most of the kids were rich private school kids and they had their own social group. I never really fit in. Sometime during my 15th year on this planet :P, I decided I wanted what he had. Hearing him talk made me realize it was a personal connection to God. I’d read the bible and prayed and done all of the religious stuff but I didn’t have what he had. I then prayed what has been one of the main prayers of my life. I asked that I would have a heart that longs after God’s heart. I want to love people the way he does and share in the life that Jesus gives. I didn’t want a crutch for life. I didn’t want something to help me deal with my emotions or circumstances … I wanted a companion to show me how to live the way he did. Little after I had made that prayer and decision … my dad was laid off. The Weather Channel decided that they were going to close their Spanish department. He somehow wasn’t worried. He spent some time in prayer and a week later Univision called him. They offered him an interview. As you may guess, he got the job and replaced John Morales. My family was a little more than weirded out by how everything had happened. We had mostly forgotten about the prophesy. We then moved back to Miami.

I landed in a new high school and things went downhill. I did pretty poorly in my classes.

I’ll continue later.

Personality Type: INFJ

I took the Jung typology test http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes1.htm.

I’ve done it before but I haven’t paid much attention to it. It was pretty accurate. My personality type is INFJ, the protector.

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/INFJ

The following is from the wikipedia article.

INFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear vision, which they then execute decisively to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions.^[12]

INFJs are quiet, private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Although very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner. ^[13]

Accounting for 1–3% of the population,^[14] INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life, which they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions, and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well-liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types. However, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and so tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal this except to their closest companions. INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits," rather than expressing their wounded feelings.^[15] This behavior may leave others confused and upset.

INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately and deeply woven, mysterious, and highly complex, sometimes puzzling even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world, but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they could understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired.^[16] Yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.^[17]