Faith working out

January 2009 – May 2009

I was extremely discouraged during January. I was wondering whether I had done the right thing by choosing to not study medicine. I had no idea what God wanted with my life. I’m the type of person that really needs a purpose in order to function. If I feel like what I’m doing has no point then I find it hard to do my work. It bothered me a lot that God hadn’t given me a direction for my life. I felt like I was going to go into accounting and have a regular mundane life.

I joined the Frisby Discipleship group and I was pretty excited about it. God starting working in me but I was still bitter. The first changes started to happen when Mr. Frisby gave us a sheet that details what happened to us when we became Christians. All my life I’ve judged myself very harshly. I’ve always felt guilty about the sins I’ve committed in my past. The funny thing is God has never judged me so harshly… He has always reached out to me with love. These self perceptions always hindered my relationship with God. After reading and praying over the sheet I began to let go of some of the guilt I had. It freed me so much. My relationship with God skyrocketed and I haven’t been the same.

The first thing I did was go to God with the worries I had.

• I was worried about my relationship with God; it hadn’t felt very alive for over a year
• I couldn’t overcome certain things I had been struggling with for a long time
• I was worried about finding a house to live in for the fall
• I was worried about what career path I should be on
• I was worried about never becoming anything epic
• I was worried about coming home this summer and having no job
• I was worried about whether I had chickened out of becoming a Doctor by going into Management
• I was worried about leaving Tech without making an impact
• When I left medicine I kind of lost a big part of my identity. For a long time I based who I was on my accomplishments…
  
  (Italics indicate I feel God has dealt with the worry)
  

I left those things alone and just put my faith in God. I focused on my relationship with him and things just started happening.

I can say that now… a lot of those worries have been fixed… and the others I still trust him with.

I overcame the things I had struggled with. For me… if the God I believe in doesn’t have the power to confront me… and change me then he is no God at all. I’ve never wanted to believe in a God I create… or one that I control. I’ve had many confrontations with God =P, he definitely doesn’t see things my way a lot of the time. The great thing is… he is there and provides the love and power necessary to change me. I don’t mean to go all Star Wars but there is a dark side to me. That is what brought me to Christianity in the first place. I ran into that dark side and realize I couldn’t overcome it on my own. I could hold it in check … but never eradicate it. I could treat the symptoms but never the disease. Well… Jesus came in and cut the root.

I guess now I’m much more confident in who I am. I have a sense of identity… It’s solid but at the same time not something I can put into words. I had always asked God for this… but I didn’t always expect to like it. I can say I honestly like what he is doing with me. This goes along with being epic… I haven’t done anything outstanding but I’m living life differently and I feel like I’m on a path that will eventually lead to somewhere epic. I’ve had so many adventures in the last 8 months.

I prayed during the spring for a summer job and for a house to rent. I prayed but I honestly wasn’t worried. I was really happy with the house we found and I can’t wait to live there this fall and when I got home… I received two calls. A school wanted me to set up a computer lab for them and a company wanted me to make their website. God found me a job and one that I liked… He exceeded my worries and hopes. I learned a lot and now I have a business of sorts that I hope to continue with into the fall.

When I left biology I knew it was the right thing to do. I wasn’t passionate about it at all. I was passionate and am about medicine. The root of that is that I can help people with it. I can’t honestly say I fully understand why God let me go into bio. I don’t think it was for me but I trust he had his purpose with it. He has at least granted me peace about leaving it.

I’m not content with the impact I’ve made at Tech… I feel like I’ve been a part of some people’s lives but I want more. I hope I get to do more for that this fall.

In conclusion… I’m so excited about the life God has me living right now. My relationship with him is soaring and I can’t wait what his love will bring for me in the future.